Forum
- pur si simplu -
Inceput | Cautare | Inregistrare | Conexiune

Nu sīnteti conectat.
Forum / Bancuri / jokes in english    
Autor
Mesaje Pagini: 1
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
The prayer
A little boy wanted 100 DOLARS badly and prayed for two weeks,but nothing happened.Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the 100S.When the postal authorities received the letter addresed to GOD,they decided to send it to president Bush...The president was so amused,impressed and touched that he instructed his secretsry to send the lttle boy a 5 dollars bill...President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the 5 dollars and sat down to write a thank you note to the God which read:Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money,however,I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through the Washington D.C. and,as usual those idiots deducted 95 dollars...


04-05-2006 09:07:59
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Snow parking
One winter morning while listen to the radio,Bob and his blonde wife hear the announcer say,''We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.You must park you car on the even-numbered side of street,so the snowplow can get trough.''
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later,while they are eating breakfast,the radio annoucer says,''We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,so the snowplow can get through.''
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says,''We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today.You must park...''then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset,and with a worried look on her face she says,''Honey I don't know what to do.Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?''
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit,Bob says''Why don't just leave it in the garage this time?''


06-05-2006 21:35:41
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
BAD day
A guy walked into a bar  and ordered  a triple scoth.The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank in one gulp.
''Wow'',said  the bartender.''Something bad must happened''
''I came home early today''answered the guy.''I went up to the bedroom,and there was my wife having sex with my best friend.''
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot,''This one is one the house''The guy gulped it down once again.
The bartebder asked,''Did you say anything to your wife?''
The guy answered,''Yeah,I walked up to her and told her we were through.''Pack your things and get out'',
''What about your friend?''asked the bartender.
''I looked him straight in the eye and said,''Bad dog!''

Ultima modificare facuta de amza (08-05-2006 09:33:30)


08-05-2006 04:34:58
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
RUSSIAN GENIE
Ivan was a dirt poor russian peasant.One day while walking through the countryside he discovered a lamp.He started to polish it and came out a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant him one wish.
Ivan thought for a minute before declaring,''I am a poor simple man with simple needs ,therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!''The Genie exclaimed that Ivan's wish was granted and disseapeard in a poof of smoke.
Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling,''Wife,bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!'He pees  in the cups and sure enough,it's tha best vodka either had ever tasted.They drink into the wee hours of the morning.
The next night he comes throught the door again hollers,''Wife bring two,cups..tonight we drink vodka!''This continues all week until friday night when IVAN comes in the door and exclaims,''Wife,bring me one cup!''
His wife is upset and asks''Ivan,all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka,so why tonight do you ask only for one cup?''
Ivan smile and replies,''Because tonight wife,you drink from the ...bottle!''

Ultima modificare facuta de amza (12-05-2006 03:32:31)


12-05-2006 03:09:43
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
THE BLONDE BANK ROBBERS
Two blondes were planing to rob a bank.The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than second.They went over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to comit thecrime.They pulled up in their car in the front of the bank.
The first blonde says to the second blonde,''ARE YOU SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THE PLAN?''
''Yes'',replied the second blonde.
So the second blonde gets out of the passager side of the car and heads to the bank.
Time passes,and after 10 minutes the seconde blonde has not returned.The first blonde gets very nervous.
Finally,comes out the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope,and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.
''No you idiot!I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!''


14-05-2006 14:47:49
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Blonde logic
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking,whem the blonde said''I hate all the blonde jokes people tell'''.
''Oh,they are only jokes.There are a lot of stupid people out there.Here are prove to you''
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
''Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home' said the brunette.
The taxy drove them to Nickel Street and when they finnaly got out,the brunette looked at the blonde and said''See!That guy was really stupid''.
''No kidding,''replied the blonde.''There was  a pay phone just around the corner.You could have call instead''.


14-05-2006 20:41:54
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Definition of wife
(B)EAUTIFUL
(I)NTELIGENT
(T)ALENTED
(C)HARMING
(H)OMEMAKER

Ultima modificare facuta de amza (16-05-2006 03:27:20)


16-05-2006 03:25:44
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still... sucks


16-05-2006 09:30:03
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
How can you tell your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in  the sink!


20-05-2006 04:25:24
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Five germans in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Italian border.The Italian Custom agent stops them and tell them:''It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro''.''Vot do you mean it'z illegal?''asks the german driver.''Quattro meansa four''replies the Italian official.''Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile''the germans says unbelievingly.''Look at ze papers zis car is design to kerry 5 perzons''.''You can'ta pulla thata one of me''replies the Italian customs agent.''Quattro meansa four.You have fivea people in a your car and you are thereforea breaking the law''.The german driver replies angrily''You idiot!Call your zuperviser over,I vant to speak to someone more inteligence!''Maa sorry,responds the Italian  official,''He can't come.He's busy with two guys in a FIAT UNO''.

23-05-2006 23:57:16
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their  small children.''You have all obsessions'',he observed.To the first mother he said,''You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy''.He turned to the second mother''Your obsession is with money.Again ,it manifests itself in your child name Penny.''He turned to the third mother''Your obsession is alcohol.This manifests istself in your child's name Brandy''.At this point ,the fourth mother gets up,takes her little boy by the hand and whispers''Come on,Dick,we're leaving''.

28-05-2006 01:42:05
   
?? vernemer
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 26-05-2006
Mesaje: 1
At the american immigration-office an officer is helping a guy to fill a formular:

oficer: "Name?"
MAAJ: "Mohammad Ali al Jehal"
oficer: "SEX?"
MAAJ: "YES... 4 times a week!"
oficer: "NO... I mean Man or Woman?"
MAAJ: "hmm ... sometimes men, sometimes women...."


31-05-2006 20:42:16
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
EVEN CAMEL SOMETIMES,THIS IS THE FINAL PART OF THIS JOKE.
vernemer a scris:

At the american immigration-office an officer is helping a guy to fill a formular:

oficer: "Name?"
MAAJ: "Mohammad Ali al Jehal"
oficer: "SEX?"
MAAJ: "YES... 4 times a week!"
oficer: "NO... I mean Man or Woman?"
MAAJ: "hmm ... sometimes men, sometimes women...."


31-05-2006 20:47:29
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
HUNG CHOW
HUNG CHOW calls in to work and says''Hey boss,I not come to work now,I really sick,I headache,stomach ache and my leg hurt.I not come''.
The boss says''You know,HUNG CHOW,I really need you today.When I feel like this,I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.It makes everything better and I can go to work.You should do that''.
Two hours later HUNG CHOW calls again;''Boss, I do what you said and I FEEL GREAT.I be at woork soon.And by the way...you got a nice house...


15-06-2006 20:05:48
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
1.There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,particulary in woman .Chief amongst these is the MERCEDES BENZ 380SL convertible.
2THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX FOR MONEY AND SEX FOR FREE,IS THAT SEX FOR MONEY COSTS LESS.
3Sex is one of the most wholesome,beautiful and natural experience that money can buy.-Steve Martin
4My wife is a sex object.Every time I ask for sex she objects.
5The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.


19-06-2006 17:10:52
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
1''I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.Between five it's fantastic''WOODY ALLEN
2A NYMPHOMANIAC IS A WOMAN AS OBSESSED WITH SEX AS THE AVERAGE MAN.
3What are the three words you never want to hear while making love?''Honey I'm home!''
4An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex
5Condoms aren''t complety safe.A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by the bus.


19-06-2006 17:16:21
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
A woman's neighbor had been complain because of her large dog.One day she looks out the back door and sees her dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth,shaking it back amd forth furiously.She runs out and takes the dead rabbit from the dog's mouth.She washes the rabbit dries it and quickly runs back to the neighbour's yard wher she puts the rabbit back in the cage.Later she hears the neighbour screaming.She goes outside ans sees her neighbour near the rabbit cage.She asks''What's wrong?''.The neighbour says''It's the rabbit.Yesterday he died and we buried it in the yard and today it's back.''

19-06-2006 17:24:23
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from the public life,the british ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his onour.At the dinner table the ambassador's wife was talking with madame the Gaulle.''Your husband has been such a proeminent figure,such a presence on the French and the International scene for so many years.How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?''
Madame de GAULLE replied''A penis!''.
A huge hushfell over the table.Everyone heard her  answer and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over his wife and said:''Ma cherie I believe ze English pronunce zat word.''...appiness!''(happiness).


21-06-2006 09:56:28
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
THREE PRESIDENTS,THE BULGARIAN,THE ROMANIAN,THE HUNGARIAN.,are applying for EU.Before the interview,thay are adviced that they will have to compose a sentence based on these three words.''green'',''pink'',and''yellow''.The bulgarian president starts:''I wake up in the morning.I see the yellow sun,I see the green grass and I think to myself.I hope it will be a pink day''
Then the hungarian president:''I wake up in the morning,I eat a yellow banana,a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV.''
And finnaly the ION ILIESCU:''I wake up in the morning,I hear ze phone ''green...green'',pink up the phone and I say''Yellow?''.


24-06-2006 23:52:15
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Mis BEA the church organist,was in her eighties and had never been married.She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.The pastor came to call her one afternoon early in the spring and she wellcomed him into her victorian parlor.She invited him a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on the top of it,filled with water.In the water floated,of all things a CONDOM.Imagine his curiosity!Surely Miss BEA had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.''Miss BEA he said,''I wonder if you would tell me about this?(Pointing to the  bowl)''Oh,yes she replied,''isn't wonderful?I was walking downtown last fall and I found this litlle package on the ground.The directions said to put it on the organ keep it wet and it would prevent disease.And you know...I haven"t had a cold all winter...

29-06-2006 00:09:16
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
A jewish ''SHADCHEN''(matchmaker)goes to see a poor man and says.''I want to arrange a mariagge for your son".The poor man replies:"I never interfere in my son''s life.''The shadchen responds:''bUT THE GIRLS IS Lord Rothschild"s daughter.The poor man says:''Ah in this this case...''Next the shadchen approaches Lord Rothschild''Ihave a husband for your daughter.''Lord says:''But my daughter is too young to marry.''The shadchen:"But this young man is already a vicepresident of the World Bank.''The Lord:''Ah ,in this case...''Finnaly,the shadchen goes to see the president of the World Bank:''I have a young man to recommend you as a vicepresident."The president:''But I have more vicepresidents than I need.'''The shadchen:''But this young man is the Lord Rotschild"s son -in law.''The president:"Ah,in this case...''

Ultima modificare facuta de amza (29-06-2006 22:53:04)


29-06-2006 01:04:50
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
How many men does it take to open a beer?none.It should be opened when SHE bring it.

01-07-2006 11:24:28
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Why is a laudromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can"t afford a washing machine will probable never be able to support you.

01-07-2006 11:26:13
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts a sentence with:A man once told me...

01-07-2006 11:27:53
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
How do you fix a woman"s watch?You don"t.There is a clock on the oven.

01-07-2006 11:29:02
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,who do you let in firstThe dog,of course.He"l shut up once you let in.

01-07-2006 11:30:49
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
What's the worse than a male chauvinist pig?Awoman who won"t do what she"s told.

01-07-2006 11:31:59
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
I marries a MISS RIGHT.I just didn"t know her first name was ALWAYS.

01-07-2006 11:33:04
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman"s sex drive by90 percent.It"s called wedding cake.

01-07-2006 11:34:32
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Why do the men die before their wives?They want to.

01-07-2006 11:35:05
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Women will never be equal to men untill they can walk down the street witha bald head and beer gut and still think they are sexy.

01-07-2006 11:36:22
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
In the begining GOD created the earth and rested.
Then created the man and rested.
Then,GOD created woman,since then,neither GOD,nor man has rested.


01-07-2006 11:38:01
   
?? amza
Cont Sters

Inregistat: 01-12-2005
Mesaje: 243
Why a blonde is staring at an orange juice box?
Because on the box is written''concentrate.''


17-08-2006 13:08:20
   
Romanticide
Femeie

Am ramas aici

Inregistat: 01-07-2009
Mesaje: 552
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little thing like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: stuff you pay good money for in later life. :D:D:D

10-02-2010 11:11:21
   
Romanticide
Femeie

Am ramas aici

Inregistat: 01-07-2009
Mesaje: 552
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus:"Send me a brother".Santa wrote back:"Send me your mother"...

10-02-2010 11:19:43
   
Romanticide
Femeie

Am ramas aici

Inregistat: 01-07-2009
Mesaje: 552
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''
The blond yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''


10-02-2010 11:28:16
   
Romanticide
Femeie

Am ramas aici

Inregistat: 01-07-2009
Mesaje: 552
Passenger , to a sexy Air Hostess: What is your name ?
Air Hostess : Benz, Sir !
Passenger : Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz ?
Air hostess: Same price, Sir!


06-05-2010 19:34:50
   
Pagini: 1    
Mergeti la